FUUUCK!

FUUUCK!

By dan ankers

For Elizabeth Squires

Fuuuck where are my keys!?

I’m on my knees. Literally! Just please.

Whichever Gods there are or aren’t, please be kind

Because I’m losing my fucking mind and I’m going to be fucking late for the fifty sixth time

THIS YEAR

Oh Dear!

I just now saw myself in the fucking mirror!

I look like hell if hell were a face, and it’s obvious that I’m not gonna win this race

But god-damn!

I’LL TRY

Now that I see my keys at the back of the damn cat’s litter box

She fucking sucks

And I’m Fishenem-out with my hand in a fucking sock

Yuck!

My stomach lurches as I clean off the turds and such

I get to my truck

I’m an hour late

My boss is an asshole already

I question my fate

And if only I’d listened, when my alarm went off

I wouldn’t be stuck in this no win predicament

With my collar flap needing an iron

And my teeth needing a brush

If I wasn’t such a heavy sleeping, procrastinating dozer

I wouldn’t be in such a rush!

God, I’m such a douche!

I race down the highway, going 25 over the limit

I’m in it to win it

Or at least lose

On my own terms

Then Suddenly, this asshole swerves into my lane

“Stupid FUCK!”
I yell and complain.

Oh shit

I can see him behind me

In my rear-view-mirror creeping

But he ain’t caught me sleeping…

As I go to turn off,

His sirens set ablaze

And a day this fucked up

It deserves its own praise

As I turn and slow down

It occurs to me really

That I’m being silly

This job is not worth it

My time is ill consumed

And as the policeman rolls up

To my window

I say, like a Guido

“Aaaayy! Whazzup!?”